The year of the Iphone, as named by Chinese tradition, is coming to a close on a down note. Wall Street investment bankers have given up on the sound practices that have molded the financial world and have now resorted to getting advice from psychics and witch doctors that operate out of basements inside condemned buildings in Brooklyn. The suits who have to live in the grim reality of the daily market grind can now be found before work and during lunch breaks taking part in bizarre rituals of dancing around chicken bones, while buckets of scorpions are poured over their heads all hoping that the eye of the Great Iguana is upon them in the next year to bring prosperity. If you're sour on the market because of your 401K, just think about the poor young investment banker who now has nothing to turn to but black magic. Thats the "All Aboard" call for the last train out of the station; Theres no bar car and the toilet is out of service...Enjoy the ride.

Meanwhile, V.I.P.'s or (Very Irritated Palestinians), are throwing their own New Years celebration on the Gaza Strip. Unfortunately, this is an A-List event that none of us are invited to. During the Presidential Campaign I was extremely outspoken on the inevitable military operations that Hamas would execute with a President Elect Obama. Not that this is entirely the fault of the uniformed American Hope-alohics, but at least half of the blame can be laid upon the shoulders of our election outcome. The appeasement strategy rang loud and clear when Russia drove their aluminum foil Tonka Tanks into Georgia. Barry, the world citizen, told Georgians they should "show restraint" which told every maniacal tyrant exactly whom they would be dealing with for at least the next four years. Added to that he had Sarah Powers, a firm pro-Palestine supporter on his staff coupled with having Khalid Rashidi (high ranking PLO member when it was rated a terrorist organization) as his on-call babysitter. Hamas new that their time to strike would be during the interim with a lame-duck President and an incoming appeaser who's main goal is to revive Karl Marx through seance once he can get some down time in the Oval Office. As a world citizen, and the Great Uniter, our President Elect has been outspoken and holding countless press conferences to discuss everything from how little they know about the economy to climate change. Yet, we are witnessing the attempted annihilation of Israel, from Hamas receiving help through Hezbollah (funded by Iran), and the incoming administration has said nothing. Their silence is not only deafening but also reaffirms that they are, in fact, a pro-Palestine club of Monday morning quarterbacks or at the least, pillow-biting leftist radicals. Just in case you missed it in the news, Hamas waited all of about 3 hours after the close of our elections to start firing rockets into Israel.

The other side to the Hamas attacks are a basic strategy that predates Christ. In order to understand this we must first scrape the culture down to its most simple pedigree. Palestinians, and Hamas, are originally Syrians. This is the same culture that invented the game of chess and history shows their similar military strategies applied directly from the game itself. As their elections get closer, Hamas hasn't been looking too good in the public opinion. Normally, dissenters can just be decapitated or blown up, but when the majority starts opposing your advances of solid-state fuel for Iranian rockets, its time to think three steps ahead. Attack. Let Israel come back with greater force and play the victim card. As a matter of fact, this is already working. Earlier today, I heard a commentator on talk radio that said "Here we go again, Israel is blowing people up." Since the break of dawn on Nov.5 Hamas has been firing into Israel while the Israeli's played nice and asked them to please stop. After a month and a half of random missiles landing inside of cafes and kindergartens they finally took action. Israel is hoping to stop Palestinian attacks through air strikes and avoid ground troop deployment at all cost. Having Jews in massive groups on the ground has never ended favorably for them. The last couple of times they were together in masses they were either hoarded into camps or forced to build the pyramids. It wasn't until they got to America that they realized that their sheer numbers were advantageous. This is when they created Hollywood and the American Media as we know it today. However, the blame is not entirely on Hamas either. The Israeli's are way too trusting. Every time they give Palestine more land the Israeli's say "Please dont use this land to launch missiles at us." to which Palestinians agree and two months later they are using that land to set off highly modified bottle rockets aimed towards Israeli business districts and government offices. So much for verbal contracts.

Many years ago, I, along with my staff of pros, had devised a well thought out fool proof plan to bring stability and piece to the entire Middle East at a minimal cost to Americans. Its the P.P.P.P. Program (Playstations and Porno for Peace and Prosperity). In a nutshell, our military along with efforts from the U.N., would air drop crates filled with goodies from the free world. Naturally the main focus would be to take the fun out of martyrdom. In just a few months we would see potential P.L.O. boyscout members giving up on their training as future suicide bombers to log online to blow away their rivals on Call of Duty instead of the real world battlefield. Attendance at militant training camps should also drop drastically as ex-members will choose to stay home to drink Budweiser and watch Bet Your @ss 6. Killing yourself and others in the name of God tends to loose its luster when you can stay home and watch Belladonna get manhandled simultaneously by 7 members of the Rollin' 60's. After those things become commonplace within the culture the next step would be to throw up a Wal-Mart. Mission Accomplished, Great job everyone! Any strategist worth their salt understands that you can not fight indoctrination, you can only replace it with new indoctrination. With the right attention to detail, we can access propaganda that is overly abundant here...and ironically enough, will be our strongest weapons in the "war" to achieve world peace. If all else fails we can always break up the party just like the cops do by kicking everyone out. At that point we will have no other option left except to bulldoze the area and set up a Six Flags and a Nascar track. Between a Superman roller coaster, cotton candy, and the ear piercing screams of American horsepower moving around an oval track, hopefully that will be just the right prescription to keep Hezbollah, Hamas, Israeli's, and rogue "me too" Egyptians distracted for at least a decade.

Today is the last day of the "Year of the Iphone" and in just a few short hours will be entering the "Year of Despotism". Happy New Year everyone!