To: B. Obama
Re: Moving Forward/Gaining Points Urgent
Cc: G. McGovern, H. Reed, N. Pelosi, R. Limbaugh


Dear Senator,

Allow me to congratulate you in advance on your landslide victory making 2008 the year that all of America was awaken by a true agent of change. This election is yours Mr. President, If I may be so bold. However, there are a few key points that need to be addressed in order to ensure this victory. I've taken the liberty to outline them below for immediate review. For better or for worse, we are in The Business.

Your opposition, mainly bible thumping conservatives, are on their last leg fighting viciously to the death like an injured badger cornered by hunting dogs. They are down to the last of their ammunition, which happens to be, running you through the mud by questioning your personal relationships with a handful of semi-politically active acquaintances. Their efforts in turn are painfully obvious to the American People that they have no where else to turn and they can clearly see the practice of maintaining division through the tired tactics of David Duke style propaganda. But so what? They forget that you are from Chicago and to make it out of Chicago politics (or in) without having to deal with the swine is impossible. Im in Chicago often and when I come home I come back so crooked that I need to be screwed down to an ECT table at Whiting Forensic for a few days, just to straighten myself back out.

They (Conservatives) claim to be the stepping stones of Democracy. Well...If thats true then you must use them accordingly..Step on them and stand tall! By the end of this year we, together, will right all the wrongs and we will run Joe Lieberman out of DC. Next year he will be working as an Asst. Manager at Circuit City and he will live out his years with contempt and disdain towards politics always reminded of exactly how he missed out when The Fun started.

I fully support your policies that will allow wealth to eventually reach the poor giving them the great chance to finally experience The American Dream. For too long we have sat idle allowing the well-to-do's to drift along comfortably while struggling young families are forced to wait two, three or even four years to obtain an LCD or Plasma High Def TV. Do you know that some Americans dont even have internet access? Its true...I am one of them. But I rest easy knowing this will all soon change. Remember that crazy Rusky named Lenin? Well, he had the same idea as you and the people built statues of him. Its never too soon to secure your Legacy. I suggest we start building Obama statues immediately. We'll start in CT. (How about one on Liebermans front lawn!! Scratch that) Approve funding immediately. I will create the organization and line up the contractors. Do it Now. This is the most important aspect of your campaign over the next 150 or so days. You're Welcome.

Dont play the age card on McCain-Not even as a passing joke. No-We, The American People, all have one thing in common; When we see good 'ol uncle John we think "My God, He's going to croak any minute!" You just need to remind the American People of what life likes like on Big John's street: There are no kids hula-hooping or riding bikes, uprooted trees lay strewn across the roads making them impassable, families rarely step out of their dilapidated houses and their septic tanks explode flooding the backyards with excrement at noon on the 10th of every month like clockwork. Boom! A sh*t storm, literally. No wants to live in that neighborhood.

Side note: remember LBJ ("Lets make the b*stard deny it")?? Well, if things get tough in the fast lane you could always accuse McCain of selling fat chinese boys out of the back of 18-Wheelers behind a Wal-Mart in Little Rock. Everyone knows its not true but it would make him sweat, and then he would have to deny it. The media would waste weeks on it trying to obtain proof.

Keep Al Gore away from the White House- Please. 163% of Americans believe that he is a human hybrid with the DNA of a Downs Syndrome hyena. If you see him coming turn out the lights and lock the door. Remember Halloween? No one would ever approach the house with the lights out. No lights meant no Goodies. Al Gore will eventually get the picture. Plus most of America is starting to catch on to the business side of Global Warming. A lot of us are starting to follow the money and it doesnt look good. Remember, this is the same guy in 1996 said that we shouldnt sign the Global Warming treaty. People know this now. Plus a lot of us are starting to question why the Livestock industry hasnt been labeled a threat. 18% of all greenhouse gasses (in Co2 equivalent) is created by them [livestock industry], which happens to be larger than the worldwide transportation sector. So we are going to have to outlaw the sale of beef in order to start making positive steps towards improving our great planets health. Eventually the bovine population will wither putting them on the endangered species list. Wait, wouldnt environmentalists take action to restore their numbers putting us right back to where we started? What a paradox! Disregard that for now. I will have to think about it and develop a thorough proposal. When finished we will discuss it over a round of golf. I own plaid pants and promised myself that I would never wear them unless I was playing golf or saving the world. This way I could kill two birds with one stone. God Bless America.

Zero Tolerance to Dictators/Lasers- We are moving towards high impact military lasers Miltary Laser that can melt a tank from 100 miles away at an altitude that is literally outerspace. Immediate development is needed on this technology. Once complete we can tell any dictator to cease any action by saying "Sir, your country needs to stop (insert problem here) Because I have little Sammy Hill, last years Halo3 Champion up there (point up), I dont know exactly where because his location is classified, but if you dont stop (insert problem here) immediately...Well, I'll have him melt your head." (wait for applause). Believe me, no one, no matter how evil they are wants their head melted from a laser fired by a ten year old boy in space. Todays children are Playstation Professionals and we need to invest in them as valuable military assets.

You will find that I am in fact a member of the Republican Presidential Task Force. But never mind that, Ive been on your side from the beginning and I am available for immediate hire.

Well, thats all for now. Please send money immediately as I am finding it near impossible to get by.

Yours in victory,
Douglas M Stewart
203 745 **** (mobile)
702 237 **** (office)