To: B. Obama
Re: Moving Forward/Gaining Points
Urgent
Cc: G. McGovern, H. Reed, N. Pelosi, R. Limbaugh
Dear
Senator,
Allow me to congratulate you in advance on your landslide
victory making 2008 the year that all of America was awaken by a true agent of
change. This election is yours Mr. President, If I may be so bold. However,
there are a few key points that need to be addressed in order to ensure this
victory. I've taken the liberty to outline them below for immediate review. For
better or for worse, we are in The Business.
Your opposition, mainly
bible thumping conservatives, are on their last leg fighting viciously to the
death like an injured badger cornered by hunting dogs. They are down to the last
of their ammunition, which happens to be, running you through the mud by
questioning your personal relationships with a handful of semi-politically
active acquaintances. Their efforts in turn are painfully obvious to the
American People that they have no where else to turn and they can clearly see
the practice of maintaining division through the tired tactics of David Duke
style propaganda. But so what? They forget that you are from Chicago and to make
it out of Chicago politics (or in) without having to deal with the swine is
impossible. Im in Chicago often and when I come home I come back so crooked that
I need to be screwed down to an ECT table at Whiting Forensic for a few days,
just to straighten myself back out.
They (Conservatives) claim to be the
stepping stones of Democracy. Well...If thats true then you must use them
accordingly..Step on them and stand tall! By the end of this year we, together,
will right all the wrongs and we will run Joe Lieberman out of DC. Next year he
will be working as an Asst. Manager at Circuit City and he will live out his
years with contempt and disdain towards politics always reminded of exactly how
he missed out when
The Fun started.
I fully support your policies that
will allow wealth to eventually reach the poor giving them the great chance to
finally experience
The American Dream.
For too long we have sat idle allowing the well-to-do's to drift along
comfortably while struggling young families are forced to wait two, three or
even four years to obtain an LCD or Plasma High Def TV. Do you know that some
Americans dont even have internet access? Its true...I am one of them. But I
rest easy knowing this will all soon change. Remember that crazy Rusky named
Lenin? Well, he had the same idea as you and the people built statues of him.
Its never too soon to secure your Legacy. I suggest we start building Obama
statues immediately. We'll start in CT. (How about one on Liebermans front
lawn!! Scratch that) Approve funding immediately. I will create the organization
and line up the contractors. Do it Now. This is the most important aspect of
your campaign over the next 150 or so days. You're Welcome.
Dont play the age card on McCain-Not even as a
passing joke. No-We, The American People, all have one thing in common; When we
see good 'ol uncle John we think "My God, He's going to croak any minute!" You
just need to remind the American People of what life likes like on Big John's
street: There are no kids hula-hooping or riding bikes, uprooted trees lay
strewn across the roads making them impassable, families rarely step out of
their dilapidated houses and their septic tanks explode flooding the backyards
with excrement at noon on the 10th of every month like clockwork.
Boom! A sh*t storm, literally. No wants to live
in that neighborhood.
Side
note: remember LBJ ("Lets make the b*stard deny it")?? Well, if things
get tough in the fast lane you could always accuse McCain of selling fat chinese
boys out of the back of 18-Wheelers behind a Wal-Mart in Little Rock. Everyone
knows its not true but it would make him sweat, and then he would have to deny
it. The media would waste weeks on it trying to obtain proof.
Keep Al Gore away from the White House- Please.
163% of Americans believe that he is a human hybrid with the DNA of a Downs
Syndrome hyena. If you see him coming turn out the lights and lock the door.
Remember Halloween? No one would ever approach the house with the lights out. No
lights meant no Goodies. Al Gore will eventually get the picture. Plus most of
America is starting to catch on to the business side of Global Warming. A lot of
us are starting to follow the money and it doesnt look good. Remember, this is
the same guy in 1996 said that we shouldnt sign the Global Warming treaty.
People know this now. Plus a lot of us are starting to question why the
Livestock industry hasnt been labeled a threat. 18% of all greenhouse gasses (in
Co2 equivalent) is created by them [livestock industry], which happens to be
larger than the worldwide transportation sector. So we are going to have to
outlaw the sale of beef in order to start making positive steps towards
improving our great planets health. Eventually the bovine population will wither
putting them on the endangered species list. Wait, wouldnt environmentalists
take action to restore their numbers putting us right back to where we started?
What a paradox! Disregard that for now. I
will have to think about it and develop a thorough proposal. When finished we
will discuss it over a round of golf. I own
plaid pants and promised myself that I would
never wear them unless I was playing golf or saving the world. This way I could
kill two birds with one stone. God Bless America.
Zero Tolerance to Dictators/Lasers- We are
moving towards high impact military lasers
Miltary Laser that can melt a tank from 100 miles away at an altitude that is
literally outerspace. Immediate development is needed on this technology. Once
complete we can tell any dictator to cease any action by saying "Sir, your
country needs to stop (insert problem here) Because I have little Sammy Hill,
last years Halo3 Champion up there (point up), I dont know exactly where because
his location is classified, but if you dont stop (insert problem here)
immediately...Well, I'll have him melt your head." (wait for applause). Believe
me, no one, no matter how evil they are wants their head melted from a laser
fired by a ten year old boy in space. Todays children are Playstation
Professionals and we need to invest in them as valuable military
assets.
You will find that I am in fact a member of the Republican
Presidential Task Force. But never mind that, Ive been on your side from the
beginning and I am available for immediate hire.
Well, thats all for now.
Please send money immediately as I am finding it near impossible to get
by.
Yours in victory,
Douglas M Stewart
203 745 ****
(mobile)
702 237 **** (office)